Monday, January 27, 2014

Hospital Stay: Take Two

So, here I am again...

...fresh out of the psych ward once again, looking through even newer eyes. I was there for only five days this time, thankfully.

I had been put on the medicine Depakote about a month again, and after two weeks I had gained 11 pounds from it. I called my psychiatrist frantically, asking why I was gaining so fast. I was eating right and exercising. I even started a detox, and STILL kept gaining. Needless to say, we stopped that medicine quickly.

In the days waiting to start my new medicine, I started losing the weight quickly. Now, I am back to where I was before I started gaining, thankfully. But, stopping that medicine was not without consequences. My symptoms from the psychosis started to slowly creep back in. My depression began to overtake me, the thoughts and delusions tried to get me back in their grasp, so I knew something needed to be done. I checked myself back into Carolina Behavioral Health.

This time was not NEAR as bad as the first time. The group of people there were much more positive, and I actually had a friend of mine staying there at the same time as me. I was much more relaxed as I knew what to expect. That didn't make it any easier to be away from my husband and babies, though.

They started me on Lamictal, and raised my Risperidone, an anti psychotic, another milligram. I would say it has made me feel great, but I am still in the process of getting better.

This illness, the psychosis, can take over a year to recover from. You lose everything in this illness, your confidence, your sense of self, your sense of motherhood at some level. It hurts all parties involved, your family and friends. It hurts them to see me go through this, but I know they are proud of me for shouldering this the best that I can.

I know God is using this as a way for me to escape to Him. He is using this as an opportunity for me to cling to Him, and only Him. He is doing this to better myself and to make me appreciate my life and the bond with my family. I know when I get better from this, I will have a whole new view on life itself, and I am excited for that day to come.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Now, I'm Excited!

So, these are the things that I'm excited about...


...now that I am a mom!

Things change when you have children. Things that you didn't use to care too much about or you just never thought about suddenly turn into magical moments or magical holidays or whatever it is you are excited about now that you have kids. It's great! So here is what is so exciting to me now.

1. Christmas.

Yes, I have always loved Christmas, but now I am planning in advanced as soon as Christmas is over for the next one. I love to imagine my two boys opening their presents in the years to come, playing Santa, stuffing stockings, eating cookies (who isn't excited about that?) and just enjoying the holiday spirit a little more each year now that you have faces to watch light up in the morning each year. And of course, sharing the Nativity story has a whole new meaning to it. I get to share with them the wonderful happening of Jesus' birth, and to let them know Christmas is more than just gifts and well, for me at least, insane amounts of candy and food.

2. Grocery shopping, or any shopping.

I have never been a shopper. But now I find myself cutting coupons and looking for deals and getting super ecstatic about 2 for 1 buys or half off buys. Butter is 2/$6? SCORE! kind of thing. I love standing in line and lining all my stuff up and just watching it proudly go up the conveyor belt. I love taking my toddler with me and watching him name all the foods and eat his cookie he gets from the deli. I might be totally weird for this buy hey, at least I enjoy my shopping!

3. Washing dishes.

I love it. I have no idea why, but I get a sense of accomplishment when I see all those clean dishes in the drying rack waiting for me to put them up. A clean apartment in general is what I aim for, and at the end of the day when I can muster up the strength the tackle it, I get really excited when I'm done.

4. Birthdays.

Birthdays were fun for me until about 17. Then I stopped having parties and then they just became an excuse to go a little crazy and have some fun for a night or two, then move on. But now that I get to plan birthday parties for my sons, I am so excited! I've got one coming up in about a month, and I have to get to it. They are both something to look forward to, and also to dread. Because it means they are growing up, all too fast.

5. Baths.

Oh man, I love baths. When the two are down for the night, I know I can just slip into my porcelain (hey I can pretend) bath tub and just sit in there and read, or check Facebook, or read my magazines in total and complete peace and warmth. It's my sanctuary of sanity. I love it.

6. Dates with the Hubs.

I never realized how exciting it is to go out with your man until you have NO TIME to do it! So now that I have only once a week, or less, to get alone time with my Hubs, I treasure it. Last night, we got to go out and play some pool. I looked forward to that night all week! And now that it's over, I get to plan the next one. So exciting.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Why Chores Are Awesome

Yes, chores rock!

So, you're probably thinking "why on earth would anyone say chores 'rock'?" Well, I can tell you! Chores give you a myriad of things to do when the rain is consuming your day, and your toddler is cracked out on mint and chocolate pie and your two month old is screaming in the swing because the toddler stole his binky and threw it in the trash can.

Can you tell how hard I'm trying here?

Without further ado, some reasons why chores (and other boring tasks) can be awesome!

1. It makes time go by fast.

How many times a day do you glace at the clock, willing for that seven o'clock time to roll around and the bath time towels to come out and bath toys to come dancing out from under the sink? I know for me personally, many, many times a day. To make time go by, make a list of about two to three time consuming tasks to accomplish by the end of the day. Once you finish the last one, it's at least an hour or so closer to bed time! And we all know how exciting that time can be,

2. It burns calories.

This is true. An hour of cleaning burns 1000 calories (or 100, depending on how many cookies I ate that day) Just thinking about the bending, stretching, reaching, squatting, and other motions your body is making brings a sense of accomplishment to you!

3. It can be fun.

Turn on some music next time you wash dishes. If you are like me, and many other households, you totally ignore your dishwasher. I prefer doing the cleaning myself, and dishwashers suck power like crazy, AND water is included in our rent, so killing two birds with one stone. You can dance around, practice your vocals with the scrub brush, and if you are alone (or have no filter or inhibitions like moi) you can sing out your Brittany Spears as loud as you please. Dance around with the vacuum. Cleaning is what you make it. So make it rock! as the late Miley Cyrus says (I say "late" because that girl is not what she used to be)

4. It gives you a sense of pride.

I know that when I get something I normally would be back burnering done, I feel so good about myself, and my home. Like today, I went through all my drawers and my closet, and took out everything I don't wear anymore, and bagged it up. It provided an insane amount of space; as it turns out I don't wear NEAR as much of my clothes as I thought. And it gave some stylish (circa the 90's) clothes to Goodwill. I loved having that additional space in my closet, and now I have an entire drawer to dedicate to...I have no idea yet!

5. Organizing can ALSO be fun.

I know that when I go to Target and devour their dollar bins, I get so excited like Santa on Prozac. Those bins are awesome. I just went on Tuesday because they had finally laid out their Valentines Day through Saint Patrick's Day stuff, and along with it trial sized things (love those) and different ways to organize your stuff. I bought some cute micro sized laundry baskets to store my makeup in, and a couple hooks to hang up my new apron and oven mitts on! I know this all sounds cheesy, but when you are an organization junkie like me, this screams awesome to you.

6. It gives you something TO DO!

If all else fails, it fills up a day, and in the end, a cluttered home means a cluttered mind! But a freakishly clean home means a weird, too empty robot mind. So...just stay in the middle, okay?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Crawling From the Deep: A Note on Postpartum Psychosis

I almost didn't write this.

I didn't want it to become real. I didn't want it to be something that actually happened. But I would not be doing what I believe God called me to do, which was to educate others about this really rare, but really severe and detrimental illness that plagues up to 1 to 2 out of 1000 women. That doesn't sound like a lot, but to the women who it hits, it hits hard, and it's something like you have never experienced.

If you want more facts, visit this site here: http://www.postpartum.net/Get-the-Facts/Postpartum-Psychosis.aspx

And for more personal accounts, visit here: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-psychosis-in-plain-mama-English

But more on my story.

My symptoms started at 5 days postpartum. I remember the second it started, then everything else afterwards is a blur. I had a full on hallucination of a stationary object moving, then not moving anymore, and that should NOT happen. I was sleep deprived, yes, but my reaction was a total psychotic break down. The weeks that followed was a giant blur of fear, delusions, and constant irrational thoughts, followed by extreme irritation, uncontrollable crying, and begging with God. I would prostrate myself, shiver in the shower, and plead with Him to make it stop. To end it all.

That's when I knew I needed help.

I would research for hours, pace for hours, sweat and cry and thinking non stop. I reached out to my OB/GYN and they gave me Zoloft. That made it worse; that made it much, much, much worse. I only thought longer, harder thoughts, and I believed them. I believed every single thought in my head. If you had told me that the was red and grass was purple, I'd believe you. I questioned everything, even God. That shook me to my being.

During all this, I never had thoughts about my baby, but I was scared. I was so scared I was going to end it all. I was scared of being alone. I didn't know what I was capable of, with those thoughts.

At six weeks postpartum exactly, I checked myself into Carolina Behavioral Health, knowing they would not let me out until I got better. Not with a newborn at home.

I was so scared. It was such an extreme decision; committing myself. I was surrounded by, what I thought it the time, psychopaths. But I was in there, so I was just like them. Turns out, I was.

We all had a bond. We all had families that needed us, we all had mental illnesses that needed treatment. And most of them had a relationship with God. But more on that later.

As soon as they got me a room, and I had an extremely tearful and scary goodbye with my mother, I lay down and waited for sleep to take me, where I had the one solace from my thoughts. Prayer and sleep; it was all I had left.

The next morning, I was woken up at 5:45 in the morning to get my weight and blood pressure taken. They refused me my Zoloft, but I didn't care. It didn't help me, it only made me feel more insane than I already felt. I saw a psychiatrist almost immediately. She listened to my sobbing (I had already told this story about five times, and each time it got worse and worse) and she nodded her head and seemed totally unfazed by what I had to say. She had a swift diagnosis. Postpartum psychosis with an underlying bipolar one disorder. The Zoloft had made my mania way worse, what I needed was an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer. She started me on those right away.

I immediately felt relief. I felt somewhat "normal" knowing that I had a diagnosis. But that did not take it all away. What I had needed to be treated fast. I would be staying a week. I could only see my family every other day for an hour. And thankfully one of those days would be Christmas.

That was the worst part, being away from my family. I had been nursing, so I continued to pump and send home bottles. But formula still had to be supplemented. And when they had to add an antipsychotic dose in the morning time to rid the morning of anxiety, I couldn't use that milk anymore, so I was forced to dry in the hospital.

I don't remember any of that first month. I had to acclimate back to being at home and get to know James all over again. I didn't know him at all. And Isaac seemed foreign as well. I had to be gentle with myself, I had to give myself time. But I could not feel better fast enough.

Healing from this will be hard. I have residual depression. That will remain for months. This was a traumatic experience, to say the least. My relationship with God grew in the hospital. I met people from all walks of life, and on the first night I had there anxiety free, we all held a little Bible study and took verses that meant a lot to us and applied them to our lives. My favorite one was Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

My cross to bear in this life was enduring this illness. And the bipolar will remain with me the rest of my life. But, I believe God gave me this illness to show other women that there is help when you need it. There is a God who loves you, and awareness needs to be shown for this illness as well. I feel as though women hide in the shadows when they feel bad after their babies are born, that they have to be perfect. That is so not true! Postpartum hormones do a number on your mind and body. There is a huge gradient of feelings you can have after having a baby. Do not be ashamed. Reach out. Someone will be there.

Thanks for reading.