Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Acceptance

So, everyone. It has been awhile, hasn't it?
I have been in a whirlwind of hospitalization, medication regulation, and, unfortunately, divorce.

I was hospitalized again, at the beginning of April. My depression was beginning to creep upon me again, and I went in practically begging for ECT to be given. Thankfully, my doctor talked me out of it.

"Just try it." she said, holding out the prescription of Wellbutrin to me. I was reluctant, because that was the same medication that had sent me into a manic tailspin before. We had agreed upon 150 mg instead of 300 mg. "If in four weeks you are not feeling better, come back here and we will dicuss another series of ECT."

That was on April 8th, and I have not been back.

I did spend my birthday in the hospital. It was very sad, but my fellow patients made me a card, signed it, and sang me happy birthday during recreational therapy. There is always a sense of camaraderie in there. Maybe because we are all suffering, so we all understand how badly we all need someone who understands and will not judge us, just because we have a diagnosed mental illness. We are all running the same race, just with different shoes on.

It is now near the end of May, and I feel incredibly stable. I feel like I can now walk a straight line, instead of constantly falling and shaking. My sense of reality is clear, and I now see a future ahead of me without a hospital stay every month. I must remind myself, there is no shame in going back, when needed.

I am still battling depression. It is not so much that I cannot breathe. I just have to get away and cry, or just sit and absorb everything around me, and remind myself that things are going to be alright.

One great thing that my therapist has told me is, "we all are attempting to paint the same picture, the picture of happiness and satisfaction in our lives, but the brushes are all different." Everyone is struggling. Even that happily married couple you are friends with, or that succesful lawyer. Or that mom who seems so adjusted. You never know what is going on behind their closed doors. I have to remind myself every day people are having it way, way worse than you are right now.

I hope to continue writing this blog, I dropped out for awhile; things were just getting a little heavy for me.

I hope everyone has a great second half of the week. Cheers.